Sacred Hair Pins and Expired Lipstick....

I try to front like I'm not......I put on a mask, yes I do.  I haven't swallowed this truth yet.....idk if I can or want to.  I smile yes.  I laugh yes.  I can't sleep...yes.  I can admit, this is one of the most alone times of my life.  Looking back in my life and mistakes I have ever made.  I think my fear of being alone of what has partially made me alone.  Does that make sense?  Like, my fear of never having a girl made me mess up with girls.  My fear of messing up with friends caused me to mess up with friends.  There was an adverse effect.  A couple years ago, my emotional randomization began.  I literally sat up last night until 5 a.m. like...where did this time go?  What made life more complicated?  After the relationship, I started looking for attention from girls instead of letting it come to me.  I was hunting it down...from people....everyone.  I ran from my own mirror....as far as i could.  In some way, I guess I felt if I wasn't good enough for them, then I would look everywhere for validation...for acceptance.  But now, I've come full circle.  Yeah I'm social, but I'm close to few people.  Oddly enough, when you're left by yourself....the only person you can see is the reflection of the one you ran from in the first place.....yourself.  People think I make all these beats and stuff because I want to.  No.  It's because I have all this time on my hands.  Yeah it's fun and I like it.....but I would rather hang with the old gang.      

All Along the Watchtower.....

School is OVER!!!  It was one of the most stressful ones ever but it's over.  And I'm STILL waiting on my last grade lol.  Now I'm job searching and finally can pay more attention to working out and finally I have a workout partner.....I seriously want to work out everyday.  And eat even better........and I want to see the Avengers AGAIN.  I love it...especially the last 30 minutes.  I'm still contemplating the bowling league this year too.......I feel like my arm is falling off from all of the practicing recently.  I have to cement some of my birthday ideas too.....Chicago is still the place, just want to know where when I'm there.  This summer has to be explosive.....I really hope and know it will be!

Snicker Doodles and Cosby Sweaters

Okay...someone very close to me said they wanted space and didn't want to hang out.  But when I gave space it's like I'm seen as not talking enough or trying enough. I honestly am confused.  Like I'm always the one fighting to get back to where we were, but they said they don't need me anymore because they are happier alone than talking to me.  I don't get that even after it was explained.  But now they don't like being alone and I'm like, "Hello! *points to self*  And recently I went on a trip about 3 hours away....and I kind of kept it to myself because I was stressed out and needed to regather myself....just get away and take a step back from everything.  But they are upset I didn't say anything....but I brought my laptop to use for when I had wifi and still had my phone even though we don't even text much.    And like if I was actually allowed to hang out....or even see their face for half a second i would definitely need to tell them because there is a chance they would want to see me for a change.  I think they feel I'm hanging with other people to fit in or something....when in fact if they would hang with me like we should be doing right now, a lot of this could have been avoided.  But I'm confused.....like we still act as friends whether it's posting cool and funny stuff on each others walls or something.  But like they said, it all stems from a decision to date someone.  Ever since then they havent trusted my judgement and choices.  I sorta understand that...because yes......I could have sidestepped that whole issue.  But when they had an even bigger situation, i never said i don't trust them...or their choices...i never said i wanted distance from them.....even after I said not to see someone they still ended up seeing.  It's because I knew it would all work out...and I knew and loved them long enough to know that even though they weren't listening to me either, they learned from that mistake and they even said it made them better.  All I asked was for that same chance for me to be better from learning and not criticized so much for something everyone goes through.  Like they said, we don't know if we will ever get back as close as we once were, but I do know that as long as we both realize that best friends don't have to go through this, but work on it as a real team.....then we might actually begin the right path back to where we were....because life is too short not to have one of the most important people in your life for any amount of time....especially when God gives is so little time to bond with people..........

Trayvon Martin and Black On Black Violence...

My thoughts.....

Let’s go to sleep in Paris,

And wake up in Tokyo.
Have a dream in New Orleans,
Fall in love in Chicago,
Mayne.
Wherever I go she goes.

[Verse 1]
I love her
And I hate to leave her lonely
Ring ring went the Iphone, it was my homie
He said, “let’s hit Japan,
If we can make ‘em jam,
We can make a hundred grand,
Spend it in the south of France
Nothing further.” I jumped,
Grabbed my go-yard trunk,
Got ready to ‘walk it out,’ like Unk
In my John Lennon chucks.
That’s when I heard Murder
You’re killin me, you’re fillin me
With sorrow, sunrise, “goobye“‘s,
And “missin you tomorrow“‘s.
I turn to see my dream
Love supreme queen, meanest thing on the scene, cry.
I drop my bags in a flash
That’s faster one A-T on that dash-er,
To dry your tears.
And wipe the rain from my dear like dash-er,
Use the dame who’s the username to all my pass-words.
The reason I get fly as Ivan Jasp-er,
I even keep your picture in my pass-purt.
(love love)

[Chorus]
Let’s go to sleep in Paris,
And wake up in Tokyo.
Have a dream in New Orleans,
Fall in love in Chicago,
Mayne.

Then we can land in the motherland,
Camelback across the desert sand.
Take a train, to Rome, or home,
Brazil, forreal.
Wherever I go she goes.
Wherever I go she goes.

[Verse 2]
So let’s keep it, real,
All in’t together, “free chill!”
Tell the stewardess to throw a movie, on the reel.
Heat up my kosher meal, exchange my dollar bills,
Lean back in my first-class seat, and sleep.
Don’t wake me till I land, when they barely understand
What I speak, but they nod to my beats.
I tell my fans who I am and they stand and they clap
They applaud. They love me, my God.
“O’scadie sama’desta” or maybe “au revoir,”
“A spree on Saint Henry,” then back to Charles de Gaul.
So I can get home and tell her everywhere that I been,
And, everything that I done, and,
Tell her that she’s the one, and, um.

[Chorus]
Let’s go to sleep in Paris,
And wake up in Tokyo.
Have a dream in New Orleans,
Fall in love in Chicago,
Mayne.

Then we can land in the motherland,
Camelback across the desert sand.
Take a train, to Rome, or home,
Brazil, forreal.
Wherever I go she goes.
Wherever I go she goes.

[Verse 3]
Uh.
Guess who’s back in the, house,
With a bunch of souvenirs, and a smile for your mouth.
I really missed you, each and every night I kissed you
In my dreams, ‘fore I went to sleep, to La-La land to count them sheep.
I swear you’re lookin prettier than ever,
It’s got to be a prophecy for us to stay together ever more.
For better or, less or poor, all worth the wait in buried treasure
X’s on the shore.
I know my world tour’s like war to you,
But Ian said, “Aloha,” and Harley said, “Cheers!”
Julian said, “Bonjour!,” Big O was like “Yeahhhhh!”
Amanda and Lemessie want to know when we goin there.
Edison sends his love, so does the rest of the club
Of the international play-boys and play-yas.
But I revoke my membership, all for My Tenderness,
She said, “Pursue your interests, ‘cause even If
I’m ticketless, I’ll be there, by your side,
In your heart and, on your mind.”
So, as I taxi down another runway,
I Gotcha, who loves you ‘bay?
Now bring it back, now, uh.

[Chorus]
Let’s go to sleep in Paris,
And wake up in Tokyo.
Have a dream in New Orleans,
Fall in love in Chicago,
Mayne.

Then we can land in the motherland,
Camelback across the desert sand.
Take a train, to Rome, or home,
Brazil, forreal.
Wherever I go she goes.
Wherever I go she goes.

Wherever I go she goes.
Wherever I go she goes.

Nightstands and Cotton Candy Sticks

Honestly, no matter what, no matter how close or far.....up or down.....I will always love them.....I always have faith things work out for the better....and I won't stop no matter how confusing situations may be....honestly, no matter how big or small the part of them i get to communicate with or love.....i will be happy with it.  yes, people grow and stuff.....but as long as they are on the same tree, the foundation is always there.  We are rooted in a strong bond....i don't understand now and i dont think my mind wants me to....or im in denial....but my love for them is true and they are the best friend i ever had and have and will always be that no matter what....all i can do is keep bettering myself and take all criticism into account and work on it...it's what i been doing and i have to keep improving.....i have faith we will be closer than we are now.....no matter what is said or anything...like my idol MJ said *L-O-V-E*

Band T-Shirts and Lawn Chairs

I REALLY will start updating this thing.........I keep thinking it but never doing it....

Stand Up Comedy DVD's and Cuddling

I have this friend I haven't seen since last February. We were really good friends and stuff and we met at school when I first transferred. We built a good friendship, for the most part, and her daughter was cool with me. Along the friendship, we would hang out at the school, her apartment, watch movies.....do homework and stuff, just friends stuff. We would run errands and shopped a couple times lol. Along the lines dating came up and we discussed it....the 'what ifs' and things like that. Even though we were 8 years apart, I did think about it...a lot...we both did....A LOT. We decided not to...I didn't want to get too attached to her daughter....she wanted to but wasn't sure if age would play a part. We were still good after that phase....watched dvd's together and stuff lol. But then things changed a little. We started to grow apart some. We didn't listen to kid cudi anymore haha....she started to annoy me....she kept asking me to do stuff for her ALL THE TIME! Well eventually we barely talked at a point. But right after that point...like a month later, she got married. Honestly it weirded me out some...how it happened so fast. She used to joke with me about marriage and how she wanted it. I would be like ooooh ok lol. But she did it...just like that! lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her. I really am. But it's weird also because I miss how we were. The friendship was cool. We actually could hang out as friends and keep it that way even before we started liking each other. Idk if part of me wishes it ended differently or not, but I do miss her. The thing is this though. The old me would message her and be like her, I miss you or something random. Like hey it's me or something. But I know I have to keep it in the past. There is a reason we weren't meant to be friends or something. Idk exactly what but everything happens for a reason. So I guess I'm just rambling about something I won't do and that's message her and say hello. She has her family and stuff which is great. As sad as it sounds, I have to let that go......even though I mean well if I wanted to catch up and see how life was going and everything...see how school is.....see how her daughter is because I miss her too. I even told my best friend I was a little worried I would get too attached to her daughter if we parted way and I did for a while because she liked me a lot and would hug me a lot lol....but idk...we haven't talked for months and months.....so i guess i should just keep quiet :/

Kinky Twists and Strawberry Shakes

I was going to post something here........which was a huge paragraph.......but changed my mind.  Be back later.

Relapse...and Bacon Strips...and Uhbacon Strips....and Uhbacons Strips and Uhhhhh

For anyone who cares.....I relapsed with something a couple days ago.....I used to see someone to help with it but I stopped once I knew the ball was in my court.  So I'm getting back to my normal self now....im about 80% there and have been trying to stay off social networks more because my words are always watched and judged and scrutinized......so im going to be more careful and get my emotions under control.  just sometimes the stress from situations i deal with...pressure...makes it feel like the world is on my shoulders  and nobody takes into consideration when stacking the weight on and on and on....but im kind of proud of myself....it's the longest i have gone without breaking down in a long time....so i'll take it that im making progress.....i'll be back to my normal random self soon....ummmmm *pushes up glasses and says "Later days" like dude from The Weekenders*

Pixie Sticks and Golden Tickets

Honestly, I'm more alone than ever lol.  Omg look at that contradiction I just did, putting an "lol" at the end of a polarizing statement....All I have is homework right now and the Lion King wallpaper in my room....hey Simba. Maybe I just need to hang out or something....idk.  It's homework, school, music, pick sis up.....same cycle....welcome to my solo dolo life.  My microphone is my girlfriend.....and she stays faithful, even when I yell at her.  And I never cheat on her....I'm in love with her...she listens....wait....let me stop.  Now this is taking away from my homework time lol.  Maybe the fact I'm more alone than ever heightens other things.....idk.....but this box I live in is not sexy.  I guess like everyone is either with someone or "talking" to someone....and I'm finally not.  I know it's right and it's new for me.....but it's the right thing to do right now.....I have to get back to myself and make myself right and get ahead........even though my old self still wasn't with anyone either, but it was really me.....Now I'll just focus on being me, doing my lame music, loooong homework, drawing things that will get me nowhere and talking to my wall with deep monologues haha......later days blogger..................................................I'm going ghost.

Emptiness and Vacuum Power Cords

One day they're going to look up....and I'll be gone.  Vanished.....but they will be too "caught up" they won't even notice they pushed me away so far.....that I'm not even in their eyesight anymore, because their vision is clouded.  But their vision is fine.....for them.  And then and only then after my absence will they realize all my past outcries for attention......finally go back and look at my mentions.  That the embracing of our banters would be a blessing in a time of my hiatus.  Because the shoulder attached to my body was their pillow in emotional discomfort.  My title used to be of importance but now it's only used out of habit.  Not by me....and not me for them.  I'm supposed to smile all the time.....how dare I ever feel slighted.  I need their presence as much as I always have......but they only need me half....a quarter as much.  If not, that's how it seems.           

Suspenders and Sour Lolipops

• 1. What is your best friends name? kelaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
• 2. What color underwear/boxers wearing now? - green
• 3. What are you listening to right now? - maroon 5
• 4. Whats your favorite number? - 2
• 5. What was the last thing you ate? - rice cake X_X
• 6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? - blue
• 7. How is the weather right now? - pretty decent
• 8. Who was the last person you talked 2 on the phone? - mom
• 9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? - eyes…IMMEDIATELY
• 10. Do you have a significant other? - hell no
• 11. Favorite TV show? - Regular Show
• 12. Siblings? - yep….2 sisters
• 13. Height? - 6’0
• 14. Hair color? - black
• 15. Eye Color? - brown…black?
• 16. Do you wear contacts? - no
• 17. Favorite Holiday?  - christmas
• 18. Month? - june
• 19. Have you ever cried for no reason? - of course
• 20. What was the last movie you watched? The Express
• 21. Favorite Day of the Year? - idk
• 22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? - not nearly as much as I used to be
• 23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)? - nope
• 24. Hugs or Kisses? making out, well it depends who hugs for some, kiss for others
• 25. Chocolate or Vanilla? - chocolate
• 26. Do you want your friends to respond to this? - if they want to
• 27. Who is most likely to respond to a text from you? - them
• 28. Who is least likely to respond to a text from you? - them
• 29. What books are you reading? - school books
• 30. Piercings? - no but wondering about it
• 31. Favorite movies? - i have waaaay too many to name
• 32. Favorite football Team? - BEARS!
• 33. What are you doing right now? - answering these questions
• 34. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? - butter
• 37. Dogs or cats? - dogs
• 38. Favorite flower? - idk never thought of it
• 39. Been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to do? - yesss
• 40. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex? - yup
• 41. Have you ever loved someone? - yup
• 42. Who would you like to see right now? - anyone who is seeable
• 43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten? - yes
• 44. Have you ever fired a gun? - yes
• 45. Do you like to travel by plane? - yea its fun
• 46. Right-handed or Left-handed? - righty
• 47. How many pillows do you sleep with? - one
• 48. Are you missing someone? - all the time
• 49. Do you have a tattoo? - looking up one to get soon
• 50. Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? - of course…..a lot!

Happy New Year?

I was going to conclude what all the drama came up to on here....but no....tomorrow is a new year for me.  It's in the past yoooooooooo.  They are cool with each other again and I learned and I'm taking a break from girls right now and keeping my head in the books.  All is good again and from here on out it's love for everyone and POSITIVE vibes........I HAVE to make this year the most fun year of my life.  LET'S GO EVERYONE!!!  ^__________________^

Really? What do I say to that? -___-

So let me......let me get this straight.  Sex is their way of communicating.  Sex is their way of communicating....opening up....showing more of their personality.  Did yall catch that?  Re-read what I just said.------------Okay now how the hell do I take that?  And yes this deals with me and 'someone'.  What sense does that make?!  You mean they can't just open up and be comfortable after THIS long of talking simply because I haven't f****d her?  That's immature as hell.  AND ANOTHER THING.  The last day and a half, I texted them and I got no response.  Turns out they were having....well.....out of respect let me say "fun" with SOMEONE ELSE!  Really though? lol....AAAND!  Turns out they really were having sex with their ex when they were talking to me.  SERIOUSLY, like people wonder why I don't jump in relationships and stuff.  These are reasons.  I wouldn't do this to someone.  This is why I wanted to wait and FULLY know this person instead of getting in it then finding this out later.  Honestly it hurts a little but what can I do?  Hell, instead of ignoring me.....be up front about it!  But like her friend said, sex is her way of communicating and she didn't want me hurt by her hiding the truth.  She said she often omits the who truth and leaves stuff out.  I can't trust anyone like that as far as relationships go.  This is exactly the stuff I tried to avoid....and I know people were rooting for us and I kind of was too but this is EXACTLY why I was taking my time.  I really learned from last time to fully get the person first.  I'm so annoyed right now.

Pogo Sticks and Quadricorns

Am I wrong for feeling uneasy about a girl who is considering going back to a guy who hit her?  Not play hit, I mean punched.  But this partially falls in line with relationship hypocrisy.  I DON'T LIKE IT.  So many people complain about being hurt when some of them were asking for it.  I know there is such thing as being naive, but not this late in the game you know?  Like people who dog their significant other all the time but swear they respect them.  Why do that?  Can't that be handled in private?  It only makes people think it's based on physical things if they hate everything about the other person.  And I don't understand the attachments some people have to horrible people.  Partially may be that their "love" for that person might blind them from the significance of the other person's negativity.  Is that?  The same ones complaining about putting up with their other are the same ones in love with that person.  Breaking up..getting back together...breaking up...getting back together lol.  Why should I give advice when it goes through one ear and out the other?  People like that are dangerous.  Especially with the "we in love after one week" people lol....trust me, I can admit I did that before and it was stupid.  I guess the whole point of this post is.....I'm confused.  It seems there are different types of love going around too.  The 'we in love after a week' love....the 'we love each other simply because everyone else says they are' love, and the real love that was worked at.  With so many saying it but not even able to give a single reason why, it makes love seem like a fad or that it is merely a fallacy...or that it's a mockery of what real love is or used to be .  It shouldn't be seen that way.  Like in the future, not near future, I want my love to be where we don't have to say it everywhere like political propaganda.....be all in people's face like 90's rap videos.....or anything like that -don't get me wrong, you should definitely be proud of the relationship AND trust me I have done that bullshit before- I mean that when someone just looks at you and they can tell.  Or when someone hears you talking to the other person they can differentiate between, "aw he loves her" and "aw he fuckin her" because the parallels these days are too close.  I just get lost right now.  People so fast to chase after having it, it's like money or something.  Love isn't formed in a blinking of an eye, but in the length of the gaze. *sorry for my poetic line right there*  Where the hell am I going with this post? lol...but anyway yeah...I HATE when people allow themselves to go through so much stuff when they deserve better.  I'd rather stop talking about it too....like getting asked advice about it really pissed me off into making this whole post in the first place lol.  Telling me how in love with they are with a person who repeatedly does them wrong.  YET want to be the main ones complaining about how they hate them.  Am I wrong to be uptight about illogical people?

*back to reading The Odyssey by Homer*