Be Gone....

Oddly, well not oddly, I just want to get away from here a lot.  Ever feel like you have over stayed your welcome somewhere?  Like you have helped everyone get into their position but got no return? lol.  No, I don't mean just moving out....I mean moving away.  I wish I could travel 24/7, it would be amazing.  People who have enough time for me, we would chill and stuff.....make music.....go different places...blah blah...play video games.  I want to meet all my music teammates and rock out.....do the band me and Mike talked about...everyone away from here that I talk to a lot would have fun with me and stuff.  Part of me feels, what purpose do I still have here?  I'm not exactly 'needed' or entirely would be missed....just look at my recent history.  I think I miss myself more than anyone here does.  Everyone else is happy and content with their situations.....and I'm not part of the reason.  Right now I'm happiest when writing songs and talking to music heads about life and locations and what we would do artistically if we were close.  Well fuck it, there's history I want to make....chances I want to take.  And it seems people farthest need me the most sometimes.  REMINDER, part of me feels this way.

Get Out of My Life.....Aw Welcome Back!

I CAN'T STAND when people be like, "Yeah.....I'm through with them...I can't take them anymore." but always bring them back in their life.  Like either they have to be truthful to themselves or shut the fuck up saying that stuff.  Oh they hurt me so much....oh they annoy me....oh they keep trying to mess my life up.  People I have a secret....like very confidential....

I have to whisper this....


*whispers* THERE IS SUCH THING AS A FUCKING BLOCK BUTTON....

I don't understand.  People allow people who bother them soooooooooo much to remain doing so when there is always an option to cut them off.  Like really.....but then as soon as they say they are done with them or say they won't talk to them.....guess what they do?

No guess dammit....

They invite them the fuck back! lol.....Do they realize how much they contradict themselves?  But when they get screwed over again they want to run around complaining like guess what so and so did?  And my reply is always the same.

"Hmmmm lemme guess....they did the same thing they did last time you said you were cutting them off...right?"

Them - "Hell yeah....can you believe that?"

Me - "Fuck yeah you dumbass.....*


NOTE.....people please don't come to me complaining about a nigga you keep welcoming in your life only to complain about them to me.....because I used to be nice about it....but now I will just tell you to fuck off.....this is adulthood, not high school.  You won't have an awkward moment seeing them in a hallway or some shit....

Meh.... *Pours Cup*

You ever get that loner feeling even while being surrounded?  Like standing in a cube in a party?  Fuck am I talking about? lol.  Okay let me be more literal.  Ever feel like the ones you wished talked to you more actually did?  OR that the ones you talk to a lot lived closer?  Distance can be a blessing and a curse because sometimes.  Sometimes someone can be geographically close but still have a wall in between the both of you.  Sometimes the wall can be transparent and sometimes it's a mirror.  When it's transparent, you both can see each other fully and if there is any change, you change together.....or grow together.....still being close or whatnot.  When the wall is a mirror, you only see self change and can't really keep track of who they are becoming of if they are even the same person you thought you shared a bond with.  When we have a mirror in between, sometimes the communication breaks down or.......leaves all together.  Sort of like...each of you going your own way....doing things without inviting the other...not acknowledging the "bond" that was there in the first place.  So eventually one notices being slighted in the deal and speaks up, but then usually is labeled a victim of circumstance even though they had no control of the other person.  So where does that leave them?  Are they stuck in a real of present history?  Living a double sided farce?  Fuck if I know....but for someone whom plays the often left behind or left out of the loop individual, I can say for one that it's not a fun role to play or be enthusiastic about.

Sexy? Me?

Okay...me and this girl are hitting it off....like really.  This all came out of nowhere and it's going very fast, but paced at the same time.  From my past, I learned to really take time in the future and I just want to handle this correctly....not putting in peoples face and stuff and nothing is official yet.  The things they say about me are like the nicest things ever said to me romantically.  In all seriousness, they say nicer things than any ex have.  And I love it, but part of me doesn't know how to take it sometimes.  Like I really do get blown away from somethings they say.  They say things to me that I have said to other girls in the past.

But above all things is when they called me sexy.........yes they meant it.  I never thought I would ever be called that, let alone by another girls who is attracted.  I'm not sexy! lol.  When they told me that, I literally laughed my ass off.  Bur, maybe they really see me as that.  I'm not exactly the greatest model of satisfaction of self image.  I just want to see where this goes in the future and pace things out.....

I hope people are really happy for me if this works out..........like really mean it.........................................

AND YET

To be honest, I'm kind of scared.

Pants on Fire?

Part of me feels like if I was a liar life would be easier.  So many parts of society is built on lies which may be part of why I'm always aware of what people say.  So many people value lies more than the truth so much that honesty has been put in a closet and embarrassed once it appears.    I value the truth more than anything.  I love it.  More than most people.  People can even fake love these days which is a scary thing because it blurs the lines of exactly what I'm chasing.  Also, sometimes people only want to hear things that feed their ego....especially the ones who always say they don't have a big ego.  Something else I HATE is when people publicly put you on blast when they are wrong but if you did it, all hell would break loose.  Isn't that a lie within itself?  A contradiction?  IDK.  With me, some won't know when they disappoint me.  Simply for the fact that sometimes love has to override little disappointments.  After all, isn't life too short?  Honesty pays off in the end.  Plus, I like my pants.........

Winter Flowers.......Part 1

Fierce gazes from the blue horizons

Gazes, from the faces of holders of harps

Gazed by the praisers of eternal beings

Watched by the start, frozen lightning glow

Sprung from the tundra most shaken

Square shaped feelings once awaken

Her history is known from heaven's delight

Birthed from the womb of flamed ignites

Dropped from the palm of nature's care-taker

Searching for a resting place evading hell's maker

I'm shaking on my porch with the sun destroyed today

20 below, will hell come today?

Then, a passing flower with dangling pedals

Distracted me from my emotional stalemate

10:30 P.M. on my glow in the dark watch screen

Sunglasses blocking out the rest, only this flower beams

Knocking my bottle over I run for it

Damn I'm still hazy, but I'm going

My car in the driveway is laughing at me for my efforts lol

This is drunk athleticism? Or love for new sport...

At last hanging from my rim, I snatch it from the ozone layer

Holding the fragile emotions together....nervous

I slowly asks it's name, any fame?....any shame?

All that was heard was a loud sound of anguish...pain

Now inside on my house on the 2nd level steps

Coat pocket is where I let her rest...comfort arrest

CPR on an alive subject could be jovial cruelty

She held my breaths and blew them back into me....mixed with her own

My feelings are in a new zone...one I have never known

Was I still having trips of then I kissed Mary's lips?

Watching Mary and Jack getting married and high off the feelings?

But this was new life feeling, my heart was in tact!

HOW CAN THIS BE?! I amputated my heart those years ago!

HOW?!

HOW?!

Frantically opening my bedroom window I scream, "HOW?!"

All I can do is look at her....cry.....cheer and cry.....

I have my lamp on, but the glow can not be hidden

She now speaks!...I pay all attention

With her last breathe she shares some romantic religion

"Use this.....my aroma....bliss.....clutch me in ur fist....promise me you will not

miss..me......bury me on the shores of the puddles in ur dreams...promise me?"

In shock I'm lost in her request......pacing after the statement

Tearing up....not wanting to lose this imagery

"Yes.....but will you ever come back?.......shall I stumble alone in this world pitch

black?...live with a mask on with no eyes cut out?...wearing a mouthpiece but

formed with no mouth?"

She said, "BURY ME IN YOUR DREAMS...........and I............"

She's gone......I now have nothing......NO!....WILL SHE COME BACK?!.....NO! WHY NOW?!......

*lamp hits the ground....shatters*