Sacred Hair Pins and Expired Lipstick....

I try to front like I'm not......I put on a mask, yes I do.  I haven't swallowed this truth yet.....idk if I can or want to.  I smile yes.  I laugh yes.  I can't sleep...yes.  I can admit, this is one of the most alone times of my life.  Looking back in my life and mistakes I have ever made.  I think my fear of being alone of what has partially made me alone.  Does that make sense?  Like, my fear of never having a girl made me mess up with girls.  My fear of messing up with friends caused me to mess up with friends.  There was an adverse effect.  A couple years ago, my emotional randomization began.  I literally sat up last night until 5 a.m. like...where did this time go?  What made life more complicated?  After the relationship, I started looking for attention from girls instead of letting it come to me.  I was hunting it down...from people....everyone.  I ran from my own mirror....as far as i could.  In some way, I guess I felt if I wasn't good enough for them, then I would look everywhere for validation...for acceptance.  But now, I've come full circle.  Yeah I'm social, but I'm close to few people.  Oddly enough, when you're left by yourself....the only person you can see is the reflection of the one you ran from in the first place.....yourself.  People think I make all these beats and stuff because I want to.  No.  It's because I have all this time on my hands.  Yeah it's fun and I like it.....but I would rather hang with the old gang.